Dear reader, the other day it occurred to me Instagram is adding to the general neglect of this blog, a revelation that gave me pause, as I wonder why I'd willingly allow one more distraction to keep me from getting to this place.
I hope you'll join me over there anyway (account: @ktollipop)--it's fun, a little more interactive, though admittedly lacking in the deep and weighty exposition of thought we've all come to depend upon here at Tollipop!
I haven't given up here, I promise. There are so many things I'd like to discuss! I want to share some thoughts on language, I want to tell you about the little old men I meet out on the trail, I want to talk about prayer, about a growing concern my metabolism is on permanent hiatus, and the inexpressibly delightful reports from friends who've read my story and profess to approve.
Do you ever feel like dancing around the room, dear reader? I'm a pretty low key girl, I wear my emotions on the inside, but when I heard my friends liked my story...it felt like I got up and took quite the spin.
I'm finding such pleasure in my daily art project. It can't last for long because I'll be back working on my manuscript soon, but for months now I've been longing to see color seep across a page and burn into the cones of my eyes (if that's the correct science). I promised myself I'd find an opportunity to draw and suddenly one has come along.
It's teaching me a lot about myself, about my tendency to try to control lines and color when, ironically, I have very little knowledge or control over this pursuit. It's made me wonder to what extent that quality spills into the rest of my life, but let's not trouble my husband for his opinion on the matter!
The artist who inspired me to follow her lead, @augustwren, mentioned everything we do tells us something about ourselves. I'm not entirely comfortable with the extent to which this may be true, though it makes me want to be more careful and at the same time more open, both with art and the entire realm of experience.
I think only good things could come from a greater measure of self acceptance mixed with self awareness in my life. Is there a word for that mixture? Is it love?
Self acceptance is not really the same thing as complacency. But it strikes me a reference point is important in terms of moving forward, that it helps to know where you are in order to know how to get somewhere else. These thoughts, while not especially original, are newer to me in terms of their application. It is not especially easy or natural for me to be open with myself, especially in a gentle way. I tend to doubt it ever will be. But I think of that quote by Thomas Merton and am constrained to acknowledge it has a self application, as well. Loving ourselves without asking if we deserve it, looking at our patterns of behavior with a desire to understand...if change needs to occur, perhaps there is no more powerful draw, no greater motivation than the feelings which come from this inward look, this warm and gentle trust.